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The life and times of Ravey

A glimpse into madness

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snarl
ravaena
How are you supposed to deal with wanting time out from yourself? Like, simultaneously wanting to escape being you and being AROUND you because you find yourself so unbearable. And feeling that way and hating myself just makes me hate myself more for hating myself and being so obnoxious and it's this shitty cycle thing and blah. I just honest to god don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't understand why life is so hard. Am I doing something fundamentally wrong or am I just that bad at being a human?

I've been trying for what feels like an awful long time to deal with my emotional issues, and yet it's still a struggle for me. I still get weepy at the drop of a hat, or for no reason at all really, my energy levels and motivation swing all over the place and I still feel like I need a suit of armour to go out and interact with certain people. I just... god. I feel like I've been climbing, slowly, struggling out of a black pit only to look down and notice I've only crawled a few inches. And I'm so afraid that I'm never going to get the things I want. I try not to have unreasonable goals, I really just want the things that so many other people have. Most of all I want to be capable within myself of sustaining some sort of normality. Just being a real girl. I hate the way I am, and I hate hating it.

And why isn't the love I have enough, why do I always strain for the unattainable?


But really just... how do I escape myself?

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  • Tue, 21:22: I read a trilogy of books over the last 2 days and I still don't really know what I think of them...
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  • Sun, 13:01: My Gods I am frustrated. Firstly, wtg friends who flake out on you because being there to help you out is too damn … http://t.co/ewjraWeq
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ravaena
My Gods I am frustrated.

Firstly, wtg friends who flake out on you because being there to help you out is too damn hard. THat's always fun.


Secondly, my god its heartwarming and lovely to be reminded that actually, you don't have any friends. Like seriously, none. And basically it's because you're an awful person who nobody can stand to be around. You just have an obnoxious, grating personality and no one likes you. That was a fun discovery.

Oh and the owner of our rental house showed up today and our cat who we don't officially have decided to go greet him at the door. So yay to potential future homelessness.

And I have to do an assignment and I really should get to it but I just can't seem to motivate myself.

And father dearest called because he wants tech help, and let's be real, that's the only time he calls. Oh, that and to remind me what a fuck up I am.

Next time someone asks how I am, I think I might redirect them to this page.

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snarl
ravaena
Also, I'm itchy.

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argh
ravaena
Forewarning for the nobody who will ever read this: Nothing here is going to make sense.

Sooooo. My house is disgusting and I want to clean it but I'm essentially physically incapable because the pain would kill me. I hate my back, I hate my depression I hate that I'm lazy and fat and instead of doing things I can or breaking tasks down I'm sitting here whining about how everything is too hard. Mostly, I hate myself. And yeah, no kidding that doesn't really help with the whole depression thing.

I go back to uni tomorrow after too long of a break (easter holidays + being sick the week before them) and I feel guilty about being sick, I feel like I haven't done enough of my assignments even though I've still got some time to work on them and I feel like I'm going to fail horribly, even though I've done really well so far. I'm just horribly nervous about the whole thing and it's stupid but I always seem to think that my achievements (in this case the HD's on my assignments) don't count for some stupid reason. Like, they don't count because they were only the first assignments, or because it's only Open Foundation, or because even though they were HD's I didn't get 100% and even though my teacher specifically said you can't get 100% on an essay and even though she said I came top of my class I still feel like I didn't do well enough, that I should have done better, that if I'd just not been so damn lazy and worked to the best of my abilities like I'm supposed to, that I would win all of the awards and get 100% in absolutely everything.

When I was younger, I was actually convinced that if I wasn't so lazy, I would be able to make my body move at the speed of thought. That the only thing slowing me down is me and my unwillingness to put effort in and commit to something. And I have this ridiculously all or nothing mentality that dictates that if I don't come first, if I'm not best or perfect at everything that I might as well be nothing because in between just isn't good enough. And it's stupid, I know it's stupid, it's impossible but knowing that doesn't seem to change the way I feel.

Inadequacy issues aside, I'm also stressed because I have to find a place to live and even though I applied for a place I don't know if we got it and there were all these other places I was interested in, but I was stupid and didn't check my phone often enough and I missed a whole heap of inspections on Saturday and now what if we end up with no place to live? That could happen and it's terrifying and nobody cares and I feel abandoned and alone and terrified.

And I know that no one is going to help us move because hello, no friends girl here... and I know perfectly well that having no friends is my own damn fault because I'm socially awkward and don't know how to interact with people and so I avoid social situation which makes people think I don't like them and it's this whole vicious cycle thing but how do I just explain that to people I would otherwise like without coming off like a total loon? And when I do try to reach out to people I come off as needy and clingy and it's just... I don't know how to be a person. How do people act? I honestly feel like I need to go to being a human classes. That's something that should really have been taught in school. Cause, even though we're somehow meant to pick it all up by osmosis or some shit, some of us just don't do that!

Also, I'm starting to feel like I'm a shitty writer and should just scrap the whole becoming an author thing, or at least scrap my book or start over with something more clever because I haven't done enough research about the market value of grapes or some shit and even though it's a fantasy world, I should be going for realism right? And who cares that absolutely no one who would read it would honestly care that much, because there are some dedicated nerdy fans out there and if I'm going to go to the effort of calculating the difference in time zones and orbits and all that shit for my imaginary planet, why not markets and currencies and such?

So yeah. Also I may have to rewrite it anyway by the end of this linguistics course because I will be even more of a perfectionist by the end of it I'm sure... And I'll just ignore the everyone in my family who keep pushing me to try to get it published and I just want to yell at them to leave me alone because I know they're just trying to be involved in my life and it's nice and all but I don't want to send out an unfinished, shitty book to all of the editors everywhere and deal with all of that rejection because they thought that I should hurry up and get over this silly writer phase or whatever they think.

See what I mean about being incoherent and whiny? But hey, what else is a journal for. I don't really know what else to complain about. My head is a mess. Oh! That's right. I also have a stupid haircut that is too short and too long simultaneously and is constantly annoying and stupid bitch!face people keep telling me how ugly it is which is OHSOHELPFUL and hey bitch!face you're never ever ever going to be what you want to be because you're too stupid but above all too bitchy. And I honestly don't even care if you do somehow magically see this because fuck it.


Okay NOW I'm done.

(no subject)
drift
ravaena
I hate feeling like this. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I am sitting in the spare room of my boyfriend's parents house. It feels like I've been here like this for hours, though I know it's only been half an hour. I know my boyfriend loves me, that he's just spending time with his family while he's here because he loves them and misses them and doesn't get to see them very often. Knowing doesn't help. For the past half hour I've been crying by the side of the bed, hidden from view... half-hoping he'd come in and find me and make everything okay. And half-hoping he'd ignore me and leave me to my misery. It's not like there's anything particularly wrong. I guess that's the problem with depression. There's no reason: I just feel crap. I've been fighting off suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself and the biggest reason I haven't is because I'd be so ashamed if his parents found out.

(no subject)
snarl
ravaena
Uncontrollable rage... must.rant.now....

I don't even know where to start. Basically there was a cracked article where someone called out Sean Connery (amongst other people) and called him crazy for saying that it's perfectly acceptable to slap a woman to keep her in line.

Now let me be clear. This was not in any way an out of context statement, or something Connery said as a joke. There were two, separate video interviews where he stated quite clearly that he considers it acceptable, even commendable, to slap a woman in the face "if she's being annoying and won't shut up".

Yeah.

And I, foolishly, read the comments on said article. And was consequently disgusted by the people in the comments who TOTALLY AGREE WITH HIM.

I just... I can't.


World, you have failed me.

Writer's Block: You’re perfect, now change
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ravaena
Yes. I would make his fingertips more narrow.

Would you change anything about your significant other? What would it be?

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Writer's Block: Unplugged
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ravaena

For how much money would you be willing to spend a whole week away from the Internet, TV, and mobile phones? Would you suffer withdrawal pains?

First question listed was submitted by onedarkwing. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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Honestly, probably not very much. Like, $1000 maybe? Enough to make it worth some while but not an extravagant amount. Because I still have books, video games and movies. I'd be sufficiently entertained, and no while I'd complain heartily, I don't think I'd suffer from withdrawal pains.

Writer's Block: Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known
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ravaena

Who would you appoint as Earth's ambassador to alien races, and why?

First question listed was submitted by matthew_hyde. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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Myself - because I wouldn't trust anyone else to do the job.

Writer's Block: 420 friendly?
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ravaena

A number of U.S. states are planning to legalize marijuana. Do you agree or disagree with this policy, and why?

First question listed was submitted by kid_witout_care. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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Not in America, so it's not like it has a huge impact on me... but I wholeheartedly disagree.


There ARE negative side effects associated with marijuana - people who think there aren't are kidding themselves.

People compare it to alcohol - but the thing about alcohol that is VERY different is this - you can't get drunk standing next to someone who is drinking. The same is not true about any smoked substance. (Yes, I also think cigarettes should be outlawed. And I think this move sets that movement back.) Make your own damn choices, fine, whatever - but not when it has impact on OTHER people who DIDN'T make that choice.

Another year, decade, whatever...
snarl
ravaena
It's 2010... and I can't believe I've just entered my fourth decade. I feel so old! And the last ten years has truly zipped by... Where did it go? I guess I feel a lot of it got wasted... I haven't really done a lot with those ten years. I have grown a lot though. I am a very different person to that 14 year old girl (as well I should be) and I have to say... I like who I am now. So I don't really have regrets; I wouldn't change anything I did or didn't do along the way for fear of changing who I am right now.

This is the fourth New Years I've spent with Alan... and the best, I think. We went down to the lake, and they had this huge celebration - a band, and little food stalls and rides and stuff for kids. Everyone was decked out in glowsticks and toys and sparklers and it was absolutely packed. And the fireworks were really awesome and gorgeous and it was a lot of fun. And all of it just down the street! I definitely want to spend next new years down there as well, hopefully with some friends this time.



Reflections on 2009 -

It's been a weird year, but overall I think it's been an enjoyable one. For the first time in years I actually like where I live and don't want to move any time in the near future. I've accomplished goals I've had for years (like finally finishing my damn novel!) and been close enough to friends to actually get out and see them occasionally.

Sure it's not all roses and sunshine, and there are certain aspects that could use improving... but I've enjoyed living it, and when it comes down to it, that's never a waste.



Goals for 2010 -

- Publish my novel.

- Begin second novel.

- Lose 20kgs

- Improve my financial situation in some way shape or form.

- Live healthier

- Increase social activities.

- Enjoy life.

Writer's Block: Forever young
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ravaena

If cryogenics became a real, affordable option (i.e., if you could freeze your body until aging and illnesses were better understood), would you consider it? If so, do you fear you'd miss out on the wisdom that comes with growing old and dying?

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Maybe. I mean, only if Alan did as well because there's no point without him. Not so much out of a desire to live longer but because I'm curious as to what the future will be like. Technology is coming along pretty fast most would say, but it's not soon enough for me. I want cool cyborgs now damnit.

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