- (no subject)
- April 16th, 2012
Forewarning for the nobody who will ever read this: Nothing here is going to make sense.
Sooooo. My house is disgusting and I want to clean it but I'm essentially physically incapable because the pain would kill me. I hate my back, I hate my depression I hate that I'm lazy and fat and instead of doing things I can or breaking tasks down I'm sitting here whining about how everything is too hard. Mostly, I hate myself. And yeah, no kidding that doesn't really help with the whole depression thing.
I go back to uni tomorrow after too long of a break (easter holidays + being sick the week before them) and I feel guilty about being sick, I feel like I haven't done enough of my assignments even though I've still got some time to work on them and I feel like I'm going to fail horribly, even though I've done really well so far. I'm just horribly nervous about the whole thing and it's stupid but I always seem to think that my achievements (in this case the HD's on my assignments) don't count for some stupid reason. Like, they don't count because they were only the first assignments, or because it's only Open Foundation, or because even though they were HD's I didn't get 100% and even though my teacher specifically said you can't get 100% on an essay and even though she said I came top of my class I still feel like I didn't do well enough, that I should have done better, that if I'd just not been so damn lazy and worked to the best of my abilities like I'm supposed to, that I would win all of the awards and get 100% in absolutely everything.
When I was younger, I was actually convinced that if I wasn't so lazy, I would be able to make my body move at the speed of thought. That the only thing slowing me down is me and my unwillingness to put effort in and commit to something. And I have this ridiculously all or nothing mentality that dictates that if I don't come first, if I'm not best or perfect at everything that I might as well be nothing because in between just isn't good enough. And it's stupid, I know it's stupid, it's impossible but knowing that doesn't seem to change the way I feel.
Inadequacy issues aside, I'm also stressed because I have to find a place to live and even though I applied for a place I don't know if we got it and there were all these other places I was interested in, but I was stupid and didn't check my phone often enough and I missed a whole heap of inspections on Saturday and now what if we end up with no place to live? That could happen and it's terrifying and nobody cares and I feel abandoned and alone and terrified.
And I know that no one is going to help us move because hello, no friends girl here... and I know perfectly well that having no friends is my own damn fault because I'm socially awkward and don't know how to interact with people and so I avoid social situation which makes people think I don't like them and it's this whole vicious cycle thing but how do I just explain that to people I would otherwise like without coming off like a total loon? And when I do try to reach out to people I come off as needy and clingy and it's just... I don't know how to be a person. How do people act? I honestly feel like I need to go to being a human classes. That's something that should really have been taught in school. Cause, even though we're somehow meant to pick it all up by osmosis or some shit, some of us just don't do that!
Also, I'm starting to feel like I'm a shitty writer and should just scrap the whole becoming an author thing, or at least scrap my book or start over with something more clever because I haven't done enough research about the market value of grapes or some shit and even though it's a fantasy world, I should be going for realism right? And who cares that absolutely no one who would read it would honestly care that much, because there are some dedicated nerdy fans out there and if I'm going to go to the effort of calculating the difference in time zones and orbits and all that shit for my imaginary planet, why not markets and currencies and such?
So yeah. Also I may have to rewrite it anyway by the end of this linguistics course because I will be even more of a perfectionist by the end of it I'm sure... And I'll just ignore the everyone in my family who keep pushing me to try to get it published and I just want to yell at them to leave me alone because I know they're just trying to be involved in my life and it's nice and all but I don't want to send out an unfinished, shitty book to all of the editors everywhere and deal with all of that rejection because they thought that I should hurry up and get over this silly writer phase or whatever they think.
See what I mean about being incoherent and whiny? But hey, what else is a journal for. I don't really know what else to complain about. My head is a mess. Oh! That's right. I also have a stupid haircut that is too short and too long simultaneously and is constantly annoying and stupid bitch!face people keep telling me how ugly it is which is OHSOHELPFUL and hey bitch!face you're never ever ever going to be what you want to be because you're too stupid but above all too bitchy. And I honestly don't even care if you do somehow magically see this because fuck it.
Okay NOW I'm done.