The life and times of Ravey

A glimpse into madness

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How are you supposed to deal with wanting time out from yourself? Like, simultaneously wanting to escape being you and being AROUND you because you find yourself so unbearable. And feeling that way and hating myself just makes me hate myself more for hating myself and being so obnoxious and it's this shitty cycle thing and blah. I just honest to god don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't understand why life is so hard. Am I doing something fundamentally wrong or am I just that bad at being a human?

I've been trying for what feels like an awful long time to deal with my emotional issues, and yet it's still a struggle for me. I still get weepy at the drop of a hat, or for no reason at all really, my energy levels and motivation swing all over the place and I still feel like I need a suit of armour to go out and interact with certain people. I just... god. I feel like I've been climbing, slowly, struggling out of a black pit only to look down and notice I've only crawled a few inches. And I'm so afraid that I'm never going to get the things I want. I try not to have unreasonable goals, I really just want the things that so many other people have. Most of all I want to be capable within myself of sustaining some sort of normality. Just being a real girl. I hate the way I am, and I hate hating it.

And why isn't the love I have enough, why do I always strain for the unattainable?

But really just... how do I escape myself?


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